Once there was a little headteacher called Sophie, and she was having tea with her deputy in the staffroom.
Suddenly there was “THE CALL”.
Sophie’s deputy said, “I wonder who that can be. It can’t be the social worker because he came this morning. And it can’t be the educational psychologist because this isn’t the year he comes. And it can’t be the caretaker because he’s got his key. We’d better open the door and see.”
Sophie opened the door, and there was a big Ofsted inspector. The Ofsted inspector said, “Excuse me, but I’m very hungry. Do you think I could have tea with you?”
Sophie’s deputy said, “Of course, come in.”
So the Ofsted inspector came into the staffroom and sat down in the seat of his choice.
Sophie’s deputy said, “Would you like a sandwich?” But the Ofsted inspector didn’t just take one sandwich. He took all the sandwiches on the plate and swallowed them in one big mouthful.
And he still looked hungry, so Sophie passed him the Lindors.
But again the Ofsted inspector didn’t eat just one Lindor. He ate all the Lindors in the box. And then he ate all the Bourbons and all the lemon drizzle cake, until there was nothing left on the table. So Sophie’s deputy said, “Would you like a drink?”
And the Ofsted inspector drank all the UHT milk in the cartons and all the coffee in the Nespresso.
And then he looked round the staffroom to see what else he could find.
He ate all the tuppers of bolognese decomposing in the fridge (and even the PE teacher’s now-penicillin yoghurt)… and all the packets and tins in the cupboard (even the ICT teacher’s printer ink)… and he drank all the milk (even the English teacher’s breast milk), and all the “orange juice”, and all the caretaker’s beer, and all the water in the tap.
Then he said, “Thank you for my nice tea. I think, I’d better go now.”
And he went.
Sophie’s deputy said, “I don’t know what to do. I’ve got nothing for the caretaker’s supper, the Ofsted inspector has eaten it all.”
And Sophie found she couldn’t have her bath (at night in her office sink) because the Ofsted inspector had drunk all the water in the tap.
Just then the caretaker came back to school.
So Sophie and her deputy told him what had happened, and how the Ofsted inspector had eaten all the food and drunk all the drink.
And Sophie’s caretaker said, “I know what we’ll do. I’ve got a very good idea. We’ll put on our coats and go to a café.”
So they went out in the dark, and all the street lamps were lit, and all the cars had their lights on, and they walked down the road to a café.
And they had a lovely supper with sausages and chips and ice cream.
In the morning Sophie and her deputy went shopping and they bought lots of more things to eat.
And they also bought a very big tin of Ofsted inspector Food, in case the Ofsted inspector should come to tea again.
And he did.