Quality of Life, Prawns. Part 2.5: An Appeal to my American Reader

My Danish non-readership.
My Danish non-readership, blissfully ignorant of the relative diminutiveness of their prawns.

I’m a little perplexed.

Judging by the visitor stats for parts 1 and 2 of ‘Quality of Life, Prawns’, this series on teaching abroad seems to be more popular with my American readership than elsewhere. (By readership, I mean ‘my American reader’.)

The reason this perplexes me? (And here I address my American cousin directly) Your prawns are already pretty damn big. Surely, if you go anywhere else, they are only going to get smaller. (I would welcome comments from experts on prawn size by region, please weigh in.) And as for the grass being greener elsewhere, well, as Fitzgerald writes in ‘The Great Gatsby’: America is “the green breast of the new world”. (I think he’s talking about grass.)

The implication of my stats is that my American reader is more interested in expatriating than his UK counterparts (of which, let’s face it, there are no more than two). Again, this makes no sense to me at all. Surely, if a Brit leaves his country, ALL vegetables and other food stuffs get bigger (with the exception of the stottieThat only gets smaller). An American will only be disappointed by the diminution of absolutely everything (although they may show a sneaking regard for the stottie).  Incidentally, my wife has just told me that Danish prawns are absolutely minute, so surely I should be getting more readers from Denmark, who only have to gain from an extended foray beyond their borders.

And so I implore my American reader: don’t take my advice. If you have got as far as the end of Part 2, you may be seriously considering a life teaching abroad. I beg you: stay where you are. Otherwise, you will curse me. You will curse me as you push tiny ditto-sized prawns around a plate in a cafe on the harbour in Copenhagen.

As for my Danish non-reader. Well. You only have yourself to blame.

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